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August 30, 2009

Craigslist: 8 Reasons for Canada to invade the USA

This was an actual ad posted on the Vancouver Craigslist site. While somewhat dated, there are some valid points here...

A plea for help to my Canadian bretheren


Date: 2008-09-08, 3:21PM PDT


I am honestly making this request from the bottom of my heart. Some of us down here in the States need your help. We want you to invade the United States. We have nut jobs in this country and they are actually getting elected to office.

Now I know what you are thinking: "But you hosers have made your own mess down there, we don't want anything to do with you." And you're right, but we do have a few things to offer you, here are eight reasons why you should invade:

1. Hockey. I know, you're wondering how the US can give Canada Hockey? But the majority of the NHL teams are in the US and let's be honest, we don't exactly treat them the way they deserve to be treated, they are considered second class sports by most Americans. Ask the average American who won the Stanley cup and they will stare at you blankly. You can have all our hockey teams and give those boys the love they deserve, besides all the players are already Canadian.

2. Unlimited Expansion of Tim Horton's. Look, if you haven't noticed we Americans have a weight problem, we're fat. I'm eating a hotdog, drinking a milkshake and injecting my veins with butter as I write this. We all know that Timmy's coffee and Donuts are far better than our beloved Dunkin' Donuts down here so Timmy's will have no problem finding customers.

3. Billions of Health care dollars. We pay more per capita for healthcare than you do, but over 50 million of us do not even have insurance. Do you know what that means? You can take over the private health care industry and combine it with your national health care system and you will have billions of dollars left over. All you need is to consolidate the mess we call private health insurance here and you will be swimming in cash, just like the private insurance companies are.

4. Republican Daughters. Just look at our Republican daughters. The Bush girls have been getting drunk every chance they get since they were teenagers. We know Palin's daughter has no problem with pre-marital sex. John McCain's wife was willing to have an affair with him while he was still married. These women are the best of both worlds, lady's in public and freaks behind closed doors. You can bring these girls to meet mom then take them home for a wild ride.

5. The White Spot Restaurant. If you saw the diversity, or lack thereof, at the Republican convention then you would know that an eatery named "The White Spot" would be wildly popular here in the US.

6. Guns. I know Canada has some tight regulations regarding guns, but we have none of that here. You can shoot someone in the face and suffer no consequences, just ask our current Vice President. So for those of you who like to shoot things, come on down.

7. Comedy. We have this hilarious station down here that is all comedy, all the time. No, not Comedy Central, it's called Fox News and it is hilarious. They pretend to be fair and balanced when they are really anything but, it really is funny.

8. Canadian Bacon. Once again our fatness is our weakness. Just cut it into the shape of a gun or a naked woman and we will never stop eating, your bacon industry will explode.


So there you go, eight reasons why you need to cross the border and invade us. Please help us. You will find about half of the country will welcome you with open arms. Thanks to our invasion of Iraq there should be no problem with one country invading another sovereign country, Russia has already exercised this new option.

I have my Canadian flag ready!

  • Location: Due South
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 833037507

August 21, 2009

Epic Facebook Fail

Yes, I ripped this off from somewhere else.

Seriously, are there people out there this stupid? Really...?

August 18, 2009

Rifle at Obama Protest - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

This ranks up there with giving away a free gun in a bank when you open up an new account.
I'm Canadian and clearly... I just don't get it.

From the article:
A man toting an assault rifle was among a dozen protesters carrying weapons while demonstrating outside President Obama's speech to veterans on Monday, but no laws were broken. It was the second instance in recent days in which weapons have been seen near presidential events.
Asked whether the individuals carrying weapons jeopardized the safety of the president, Donovan said, "Of course not."

The individuals would never have gotten in close proximity to the president, regardless of any state laws on openly carrying weapons, he said. A venue is considered a federal site when the Secret Service is protecting the president and weapons are not allowed on a federal site, he added.

August 17, 2009

A Jamaican's First Winter

I remember reading a version of this ages ago and just laughing. It works best if you're one of those who can pull off a credible Jamaican accent!

DIARY OF A JAMAICAN WHO JUST MOVED TO MANITOBA, CANADA


October 8th
Yes! We have arrived in Manitoba!!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs all that HOT weather in Jamaica? This is perfect... not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some nice sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Canada!!! This is what life's all about.

October 30th

The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house. Ahhhh!

November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time. Wow! We just cannot wait!

November 14th

Guess what? Started snowing! The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife made some Grata Cake and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again. Canadians are so friendly!!!

November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around minus eight degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish grey.

November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both the cars. I slipped and fell on my "ass" in the driveway, paid $150 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken. More snow and ice is expected ... hmmmm.

November 20th

Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. (suck teet)

November 21st
On my way to work, de damn 4x4 skidded into the rass guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. Then we had another 15 inches of dat white sh*t last night. The vehicle is now covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. Di damn snowplow man clear di friggin' street an' cover up mi rass driveway for the last time. Watch me an' him blood claat nex time.

November 22nd
Kiss mi neck... the first heating bill jus' a come! A how the hell it come to so much ???

November 30th
A minus 30 frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most of the blood claat night. Wi try fe keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the rassclaat house. Mi manage to put out de flames dem, but end up wid second degree burns pon mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den wha' yuh tink' happen. De rass car nuh slide on the white **** (again!) on the way to de hospital and wi haffi write it off. (suck teet)

December 5th
Rahtid... dis snow nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keep coming down! Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox. If I ever catch de frigga wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I gwine light him up wid some ***** lick. Yuh know wha' mi really tink? Mi bet sey 'im hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up mi driveway again. Him wicked nuh blow wow!!!

December 10th
A wha' kinda sh*t is did? The power still off. The toilette freeze up some part a di roof look like it out fi cave in. But a wha a de blood claat a gwan yah suh?!?!

December 19th
Eleven more rass claat inches a snow an' ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah now...dis nuh right. Ah give de snow plow driva one bumba-claat ***** lick crass him head back wid de snow shovel ... 'im run whey and scream sey 'im a ago press charges .... (suck teet)

December 21st
But is wha' dis .... de wife dun run whey and leave mi!

December 22nd
The pu**y claat car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the bloodclaat sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!!!!!! Good fi rass him. The wind chill is 30 pu**yclaat degrees below zero !!

December 25th
Merry Bumba Claat Christmas ... mi backside! Mi a move back to sweet, sweet Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!! 'Farin' a nuh fi everybody!!!!

Final Resting Place

We all have to go sometime. Might as well have fun with it :-)













August 13, 2009

The Perfect Day - Women vs Men

Men and Women are equal, but we're certainly not the same...

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and tea.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport
8:15 Private jet to Augusta Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:30 Blowjob

11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:20 Blowjob
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:15 Blowjob
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch Sportscenter.
7:30 Dinner Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz. New York strip medium rare.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:46 One last blowjob
11:59 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
12:00 Laugh yourself to sleep

August 12, 2009

A Reversal of Tolerance - Part 3

Disclaimer: I am a Canadian born white male, married into a visible minority family. I consider myself very open minded and non-racist; however, I do have opinions - some of which may be interpreted as racist and/or prejudice. These opinions are my own, and I welcome any feedback as long as it remains civil.

In this series, I will be discussing examples of where we (society, governments or individuals) demanded our rights, often at the expense of common sense. At the end of each example, I'll include my personal opinion. (Hey, it's my blog...)

Part 1 - White Males Need Not Apply
Part 2 - The RCMP Uniform - A Canadian Institution


Part 3 - Hidden in plain sight

In recent years, the Muslim faith has gained a lot of attention for unfortunate reasons. 9/11 was obviously a major world event (to put it mildly), but was initiated by only a handful of radical Muslims. Only the truly ignorant will believe that those individuals represent the entire faith.

One positive outcome of 9/11 is the world now has a better understanding of Islam and Muslims. While headlines are occupied by tales of the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan, there has also been a lot of coverage of what Islam truly is. I won't profess to be an expert on the subject - religion in general never appealed to me - but I have gained a basic understanding and respect for the belief.

BUT... this series is about tolerance.

Burqas have gained a lot of headlines around the world recently as well. In parts of Europe (Netherlands, Belgium and France), there has been discussion of banning burqas in public. Why? Is is a security issue? Is it a women's rights issue? Is it simply an issue of fitting in? It may be all of the above.

Fitting in - In my area there is quite a large Muslim community; however, when I see a group of women walking together in the black burqas with only their eyes exposed, I can't help but stare. It's not what I'm accustomed to. It's not what I grew up with. And that's really my only issue... they don't fit in. I consider this as a fault in myself. They're not hurting anyone, not causing any problems... they just look different.

Women's Rights - Covering up a woman and only exposing her eyes is a man's idea. Pure and simple. Other men are not allowed to see a wife's or daughter's face, unless she is his (yes, possessive). I would be very curious to ask these women, if they were permitted, would they prefer to walk around in plain street clothes as western women do? Or are they so conditioned to consider that as unacceptable? In their day-to-day lives, are they feeling the oppression, or are they completely indifferent to it since it's just all they've every known. It just is.

Security - This is a sensitive area, where tolerance may have crossed the common sense line. Police and security forces do not like obscured faces. They are trained to read body language, facial expressions and to memorize facial features of wanted individuals. Naturally, a burqa would make these forces uncomfortable. But what are they to do? If asked to reveal her face, a Muslim woman could make a large human rights issue in public over this, possibly ruining the officer's career.

In a more specific example of taking this too far, the Canadian Government (Elections Canada) has allowed burqas to be worn when Muslim women vote. Everyone must bring photo ID to compare to their names on the voters registration list, and Muslim women are no exception, but what's the point when they're not required to remove their burqas? This has generated a lot of public resentment, including from Canada's own Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Even the Muslim Canadian Congress thinks it's a bad idea and has formally requested that Elections Canada rescind it's decision.

The freedom to practise a religion is sacred in Canada, but when does it go too far? When boarding a plane, do these women have to identify themselves? The security implications here should be painfully obvious. An extreme example, sure... but there must always be exceptions.

As I was working on an early draft of this entry, I came across an article on CNN that addressed Muslim women and Hijab's. While not exactly the same as a burqa, the do share some common controversial issues.

I found it interesting that much of the criticism some Hijab wearing American women face comes from Iranian-Americans:

Most of the trouble, though, came from Iranian-Americans, who came to the United States to escape the Islamic fundamentalists who seized power in 1979, she says.

"The Iranians here bother her more than Americans," Behnaz Hekmati says. "They say, 'We got rid of you guys. We came here because we didn't want to see you guys anymore.'"

Also from the article, one viewpoint from an unusually mature 17 year old high school student:

"It represents beauty to me," says Abdelaziz, the 17-year-old daughter of two Egyptian parents living in Old Bridge, New Jersey.

"My mom says a girl is like a jewel," Abdelaziz says. "When you have something precious, you usually hide it. You want to make sure you keep it safe until that treasure is ready to be found."

After reading this article I realized how beautiful this girl truly is, and how the Hijab seems to highlight her face even more. I have seen women like this many times on the subway in Toronto, and in my travels within Malaysia. She certainly has a point, and if she's voluntarily wearing the Hijab for her own reasons, then more power to her.

My Opinion: I'm going to be quite blunt here, and I'm sure some will be offended. What traditions people practise in their own home, as long as no one is hurt, is their business. I really don't care. But in public, you must respect the public laws. Women have equal rights in Canada (no, it's not perfect, but that's a debate for another day). Photo ID is a requirement to vote. There should be NO exceptions. Show your face, or don't vote. (Same would apply for the airline boarding example). When coming to a new country to build a new life, immigrants should make a reasonable effort to adapt to the local culture, and not expect the culture to adapt to them. You want to come to Canada, work, raise a family and contribute to the growth of my country? Then welcome to Canada! You want to come here and make it more like what you're accustomed to back home? Sorry, you should have stayed there.

However, if Lil Kim wants to wear a burqa, I'm ok with that. (Yeah yeah, poor taste. Hey, It's My Blog!)


Ok, bring it on.

Coming soon...
Part 4 - Christmas In August

August 11, 2009

Rednecks learn a lesson

Along the same lines as the Craigslist revenge ad, this one has video evidence.
Yes, it could have been staged, but I choose to believe it. It's just much funnier that way. ;)

Synopsis:
- 2 rednecks armed with a video camera
- Yuppie and hot girlfriend in a sports car
- Rednecks taunt, follow, chase yuppie & girl
- Rednecks learn a valuable lesson

August 10, 2009

Lawyers. Suck.

For our American friends... remember, I'm only the poster, not the author. lol

_________________
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me...)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA .... NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY ARE NUTS

Posted to Craig's List Personals

No idea how true this is... but it's funny!
If you like this one, also look at a similar one I found on YouTube.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST.

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.

I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. It was not cold, but I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you left your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I didn't want your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explained your situation. I bought myself and four other people in the gas station a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with the cash in your wallet. I threw the wallet in a pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the driver side.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I got in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd like to apologize for not killing you, and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I hope you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. - Alex

August 5, 2009

A Reversal of Tolerance - Part 2

Disclaimer: I am a Canadian born white male, married into a visible minority family. I consider myself very open minded and non-racist; however, I do have opinions - some of which may be interpreted as racist and/or prejudice. These opinions are my own, and I welcome any feedback as long as it remains civil.

In this series, I will be discussing examples of where we (society, governments or individuals) demanded our rights, often at the expense of common sense. At the end of each example, I'll include my personal opinion. (Hey, it's my blog...)

Part 1 - White Males Need Not Apply


Part 2 - The RCMP Uniform - A Canadian Institution
Can there be anything more Canadian than the uniform of the RCMP? Even Monty Python poked fun at it! As Canadians, we often tire of the stereotype that our police (Mounties) ride around on horses in these elaborate uniforms. Every souvenir shop we go into that has anything remotely to do with Canada will have maple syrup and stuffed animals in these famous red uniforms. We get sick of it.

Until... Wait. Someone wants to change our sacred Mountie uniform??!! NO WAY!!! Well, yes way. Now, instead of being sick of the stereotype, many of us became loud and firm supporters defenders of this iconic red uniform

In 1990, Baltej Singh Dhillon became the first Sikh officer in the RCMP to be allowed to wear a turban instead of the traditional Stetson. On March 15, the federal government, despite protests, decided that Sikhs would be permitted to wear turbans while on duty as RCMP officers.

Comments from the public were loud and clear - mostly along the lines of "Other countries don't change their uniforms/protocols for others", or "he came to this country, he must adopt the Canadian culture", and of course it got much more rude than that.

Fortunately for Mr. Dhillon, history was on his side. From Wikipedia:
[...Sikh leaders pointed out that turbaned Sikhs served in the British Army in two World Wars and now work in many Canadian police forces.]

On March 15, 1990, policy was modified to allow for Sikhs to wear turbans while on active duty within the RCMP. The rest is history.

To this day, whenever there is a similar (even remotely) situation in the news, this always comes up as a hotly debated topic. The same arguments, the same complaints... often from the same people.

My Opinion:
When I first heard about this, I admit I was one of the complainers. I was the wise old age of 22 and knew everything there was to know about every conceivable topic. That is OUR uniform!! How dare you come here and change our country!! As I got older and added to my knowledge of everything, I became more flexible to the point I'm at today. Honestly, if this is the biggest item on our plate, we're in pretty good shape. From everything I've read, Mr. Dhillon was qualified in every way, did not get selected because he was a visible minority, went through the same training and any other cadet and has become a very accomplished officer. Hell, I even think his uniform looks quite sharp. So, if I am in need of RCMP assistance, and Mr. Dhillon shows up... I could care less what's on his head. Yes, the RCMP did modify its widely recognized ceremonial uniform. And you know what? Those damned stuffed bears are still in the souvenier shops! Life goes on...