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August 17, 2009

A Jamaican's First Winter

I remember reading a version of this ages ago and just laughing. It works best if you're one of those who can pull off a credible Jamaican accent!

DIARY OF A JAMAICAN WHO JUST MOVED TO MANITOBA, CANADA


October 8th
Yes! We have arrived in Manitoba!!! Finally!!! This marks a new chapter in our lives. It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs all that HOT weather in Jamaica? This is perfect... not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some nice sweaters today and went for a short walk. Loving Canada!!! This is what life's all about.

October 30th

The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house. Ahhhh!

November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time. Wow! We just cannot wait!

November 14th

Guess what? Started snowing! The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife made some Grata Cake and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again. Canadians are so friendly!!!

November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around minus eight degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish grey.

November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both the cars. I slipped and fell on my "ass" in the driveway, paid $150 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken. More snow and ice is expected ... hmmmm.

November 20th

Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. (suck teet)

November 21st
On my way to work, de damn 4x4 skidded into the rass guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. Then we had another 15 inches of dat white sh*t last night. The vehicle is now covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. Di damn snowplow man clear di friggin' street an' cover up mi rass driveway for the last time. Watch me an' him blood claat nex time.

November 22nd
Kiss mi neck... the first heating bill jus' a come! A how the hell it come to so much ???

November 30th
A minus 30 frigging degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage. De power off most of the blood claat night. Wi try fe keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an' nearly bun dung the rassclaat house. Mi manage to put out de flames dem, but end up wid second degree burns pon mi hands, bun off mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den wha' yuh tink' happen. De rass car nuh slide on the white **** (again!) on the way to de hospital and wi haffi write it off. (suck teet)

December 5th
Rahtid... dis snow nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keep coming down! Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox. If I ever catch de frigga wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I gwine light him up wid some ***** lick. Yuh know wha' mi really tink? Mi bet sey 'im hide round di corner and wait 'til me finish shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up mi driveway again. Him wicked nuh blow wow!!!

December 10th
A wha' kinda sh*t is did? The power still off. The toilette freeze up some part a di roof look like it out fi cave in. But a wha a de blood claat a gwan yah suh?!?!

December 19th
Eleven more rass claat inches a snow an' ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah now...dis nuh right. Ah give de snow plow driva one bumba-claat ***** lick crass him head back wid de snow shovel ... 'im run whey and scream sey 'im a ago press charges .... (suck teet)

December 21st
But is wha' dis .... de wife dun run whey and leave mi!

December 22nd
The pu**y claat car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the bloodclaat sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha? The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!!!!!! Good fi rass him. The wind chill is 30 pu**yclaat degrees below zero !!

December 25th
Merry Bumba Claat Christmas ... mi backside! Mi a move back to sweet, sweet Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!! 'Farin' a nuh fi everybody!!!!

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